Three days of shore leave
by HeavenONFire
Summary: Between turmoil and war, Kaidan and Shepard have three days to find out where they stand. Happens between Chapter 8 and Chapter 9 of "Why I am alive". Rated M just in case.
1. Day one: Appraise

**A/N: Hi, everybody, welcome, welcome^^  
Before you read this story, I suggest you read the other story of mine. "Why I am alive." Because this is an addition to that story. It's neither a prequel or a sequel, but somewhere in between. It happens between Chapter 8 and Chapter 9 of the other story. But as you like, you can read this as a stand alone either.  
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**Why I did this and didn't just put this in? Because I'm really obsessed with form and narrative style. If I put this in the other story, it'd be like writing a whole page with black and suddenly fill in a sentence in the middle of the page with blue. My world would burn^^.  
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**So enjoy^^  
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**Three days of shore leave**

**Day one: Appraise**

I have lost control of myself.

I have lost a lot of things in my life but control is something I've always tried to maintain. It's not that I'm power-hungry or paranoid; it's that if I lose control somebody else usually gets hurt.

Or in today's case, him.

I don't really know what I should do or say; in the short time my brain did what it wanted I have opened a door to me I want to keep closed. Now John stands in front of me and looks right through me as if I am nothing but a piece of thin paper.

"You really meant what you said?" he still sounded concerned, unsure and maybe a little scared.

I hate to see him like this. Usually if he's concerned it means that in the next second one of us will yell 'Incoming!' And if he's unsure it means that things are even worse than we've thought. And if he's scared, well, then things must be incomprehensively powerful if it can scare Commander Shepard.

But now I know that I am the certain something that has caused all this feelings in a man whose heart is supposed to be of ice and fire. I know that I've hurt him. I know what I've done. I broke that very strong heart.

"I don't know what I said." I whisper, not brave enough to give my own voice any strength. _I'm scared, John. I'm so scared!_

"Kaidan," he moans, making my heart jump.

He has changed so much. Does he know that when I look at him, I only see a man with his face but not his soul? Does he know that those red eyes are nothing but machines which has replaced the ones I used to know? Does he know that his scars show me that he is not the man I loved but a collection of synthetic flesh and bones?

"Kaidan," this new man says with his voice. "I mean what I said. There is no one I'd rather be with."

"I believe you," my voice was low. "But John, I still need a little time to understand what this is between us."

"It's love." He says, so strong and suddenly so sure of himself. "I know, it's a small word, but I have no other to describe how I feel."

He walks towards me and I can feel the air around me heating up. It's him. It's his radiance and his burning core. He is the one who has directed my thoughts in the past two months. He is the one I keep seeing when I close my eyes at night. But it is him and also not him.

It is his previous incarnation which still occupies my heart. It's his former body which made my loins twitch. And it's that pair of his once blue eyes which makes me believe that I am Kaidan Alenko.

"Wait, John," I sighed. His hot skin burns my fingers when I touch him. His heart throbs so strong it soon overpowers the pace of my own and I moaned. "How about you get a shower first?"

"Kaidan…." He says again and my name rolls off his tongue as if his voice is the only one to make my name sound real. "I want to be with you."

"I can smell Cortez on your skin." My voice is harder than I wanted. But knowing that he's been touched by another makes me furious. "Go wash it off."

He looks at me but his expression was hollow because there, where his eyes should be, I only see two burning dots. He sighs and it sounds so sad. If he was really John, I'd have closed him in my arms and kissed his forehead. But it's John's face but not John's soul.

"You still don't trust me," he accuses. "You still don't believe that they didn't change me." In his tone, I hear a world crumple. In his voice, I hear a heart shatter. And in his breath, I hear a man wither.

"Go take the shower," I say and touch his face with my fingers. "We can talk when you're done."

He nods and walks away from me. Though he is only behind one door and so close, I feel the distance between us as wide as an open sky without sun, as a streaming river without bridge and as a freezing night without day.

_What should I do?_ I ask myself. _How comes that I can't bear to look at him but feel empty when he's not here? How comes that I love his shadow but fear his presence?_

The chair I sit in is his and the leather smells like him. Like the surface of his desk, this whole place was cold and grey. His fingers might have traced the items on this table but his energy hasn't transcended. It is hollow.

I look at the picture of a dead man on his desk. His face is clean and young. His eyes are bright and full of hope. The smile on his face is shy and true. But I know that this man is just a memory to him as John Shepard is a memory to me.

I smile at myself and at the irony of this moment. Now, while the galactic extinction surrounds us, two men in this room were both grieving for something they have once possessed. Here in this room, separated only by one metal door, two souls are longing for each other, blindfolded for they can't see that the one they seek is long gone.

The war has killed both of us.

The door behind me slides open and before me I see a man I don't really know. Not the man I used to love but a man I can learn to love.

He smiles at me and I smile back, realizing that fate has given us a second chance.

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**Maybe some of you know that "Why I am alive" is completely written in Shepard's POV, I couldn't have filled this in. But also, I really wanted to write this part from Kaidan's view. This three chapters are actually one story and was the first scene of this whole RenegadeShep stuff. **

**Let me know what you think. And thank you^^  
**

**HeavenOnFire.  
**


	2. Day two: Approach

**Three days of shore leave**

**Day Two: Approach**

He wakes me in the morning by kissing me.

He makes me smile by looking at me.

He makes me sigh by talking to me.

And he makes me feel complete by simply being with me.

All that I realize in the first three hours we spent together after waking up in each other's arms. We didn't do anything in the previous night but simply listened to each other's heartbeats and breathed the same air while we dozed off.

When I am dressed and shaven, he is waiting for me in front of the elevator. His uniform is different than mine and it suits him well. Today, John is as beautiful as I remember him. If this scars weren't there, I wouldn't see the difference.

"Commander," I like to call him by rank because knowing that he is my commander gives me stability. "Ready to conquer the Citadel?"

"We did that three years ago, Kaidan," he jokes and smirks in a very handsome way.

"Then it's a good time to enjoy our prey," I add and walk past him. His hand brushes mine and the thrill down my spine makes me smile. After all these years, he can still make me feel like a romantic.

As I walk down the streets of the Citadel, I suddenly start to see the world around me in a different light. I have never noticed how many trees the wards have or how beautifully the artificial sunlight breaks on the water.

"Where are we going?" he asks and his hand brushes mine again.

"I have a few things to settle in Hueta," I answer and blink at him. The small scar on his lips is new but it also makes me want to taste it with my tongue. This man is temptation itself and I am not immune.

"You need me to watch your back?" he is always on guard and always ready to protect me.

I smile slightly and shake my head. "Just visiting someone."

"A Friend?"

"Not really," how should I describe her? "Just someone I want to say thank you to."

"All right," he nods and looks away for a moment. "Tell me about yourself, Kaidan."

I can't remember how many times I've heard this question. It brings me back to the Normandy SR-1 where he always sought my company after mission. I don't know what it is, but something inside me just want to share all my secrets with him.

"You know a lot about me already," I point out. "Something specific you want to know?"

"Nah," he shrugs and makes me want to hug him. "Just something I don't know. Something that isn't obvious."

"And what's obvious?"

"Uhm, that you're hot?"

He makes me chuckle. How can he be so cruel and cute at the same time?

"Okay, uhm, I'm not gay?" I tell him and shrug too.

"Hard to believe," he snorts and gives me one of his crooked grins.

"Which doesn't mean I'm straight."

"So you like woman too?" he lifts one of his brow and his crooked grin went wider. "Like Asari? Of course you do! You remember the time we talked about Liara when she joined us?"

"That you said you saw her first? Yeah, I remember."

"Just wanted to see if you were interested."

"I knew it was a trap." John has always set his traps, some of them small some big. But for me, the biggest trap is the man himself. How can anyone escape from his proximity once they stepped in? I can't and I don't want to. Walking with him, talking about mindless things, I feel as if the war doesn't exist. As long as I keep my eyes on him I don't even have to be reminded by the damaged Cerberus has done here.

"Kaidan!" he says suddenly and took my hand in his and squeezes. I wait for him to tell me what he wants but he stays silent and simply walked next to me, holding my hand.

"What are we doing?" I ask, not sure what he intents.

"Holding hands?" He says, looking a little confused.

"Why?" I wonder.

"Uhm, because that's what couples do?" He asks again and I see lines of concern on his forehead. "We _are_ together, are we?"

I take my hand back and rub my skin as if he burned me. "We are," I nod. "But let's not do this here."

"Why not?" Now it's not the warmth of his skin which burns me but the heat of his voice. "I am not ashamed of how I feel about you. Come here, Kaidan!"

He grabs my arms and pulls me towards him. How am I supposed to fight a man like him? How am I supposed to say no? But when his lips meet mine my keels buckle and I feel weak in his arms. All at the same time I feel strong as if I can take on the whole world as long as he's at my side.

Then I remember that we are at a very exposed position in the middle of the Citadel Wards. I gently push him away and try to hide my blushed face. He doesn't let me go but only pulls me closer to him, trying to kiss me again.

"John, let's not do it here," my voice is slightly muffled but I'm sure he can hear me. "John!"

"Shut up and kiss me!"

"No," I push again half-heartedly. I don't really want to let go of him, it's only the location that's bothering me. "People are watching!"

"Oh," he sound not in slightest embarrassed. He eventually releases me and looks around. Then he starts to yell at a man who is standing a few paces away and gazing at us with mouth open. "Hey! What the hell are you looking at?"

"John!" I gasp and he looks guilty. The man John yelled at was now as red as a tomato and hurries away as if somebody has pointed a gun at him. But snapped at by Commander Shepard might probably be worse.

"He's not looking anymore!" John sounds very pleased with himself and leans in to kiss me again. I can't help but smile at his simplicity and how in god's name am I supposed to say no to those lips.

So I kiss him. Small at first, gently exploring the surface of his lips and then I open my month to welcome his tongue. He tastes so good, like sweet wine and home. I close my eyes and let the feeling of him on my skin dwell.

His arms close around my body and they were so strong. I can lose myself in his embrace like I've done so many times before. I've missed this so much and no matter know embarrassed I am, I can't stop kissing him.

But eventually, we both need to breathe. He grins at me and I feel my face become hotter. Me, the second human spectre, blushing while being kissed by his boyfriends; not even in my boldest dreams I could have imagined this.

"Can we please do this somewhere with less audience?" I ask and try hard to ignore the crowd which has gathered around us. No doubt that some of them recognized us, but if I can I'd like to avoid any talking.

He only grins and wraps his fingers around my wrist. With a glare of his, the crowd parted before us like the red sea before Moses. I keep my face lowered and walk next to him, only seeing the tiles before me. I don't know where he's dragging me but when the light seems less bright, I look at him again.

He pushed me against a wall and soon his lips are on mine again. A very pleasant female voice tells me that I am in an elevator and I feel even more embarrassed. Me, snuggling in a elevator? Please don't!

"John," I let him know of my discomfort. "I'm not used to this."

"Well," he smirks. "We'll have to practice some more, then."

"Would you please listen to me for once?" I hiss impatiently while he still advances.

On that point he hasn't changed. The Shepard I knew was impatient too. I can't count how many times he has dragged me to his cabin before my reports were done. But every time he overpowered me with his simple presence and I always gave into him.

But I am different now. I am not the shy LT anymore who always said yes to his commander. That man died when I buried all but Shepard's corps. That man has failed to save the man he loved. But I will not fail. I am no less than he is. With my rank and my spectre status, I am the one to offer protection. From the world and from himself.

"Shepard!" My tone is a warning and my glare my leverage. I can see him hesitate but I am glad that I don't have to put my threat in words. He understands me. He still does.

"I'm sorry," he says. I wonder when he has learned to apologize. Did I teach him this? "I didn't mean to upset you."

"I'm not upset," I touch his face and his scar tickles under my fingertips. "I only think that you have a talent of choosing the most inappropriate place and time."

"Well," He grins again. His grin makes me mad but I can't say I don't like it. "Nobody's perfect."

_But you're damn close! _

"You're okay?" he asks when we the elevator opens at Hueta Memorial. "You seem tense."

"I don't like hospitals." I tell him. "Ever since I can remember hospitals are part of it."

"How so?"

"My parents thought I have a brain damage. You know, biotics. And the doctors ran some nasty tests on me. And Brain Camp wasn't any better."

"Thought you might have gotten used to it," he commented with a shrug.

"Doesn't mean I have to like it." The person I come here for waves at me. "I'll be right back."

She looks very nice today, actually like every day. Though she is not a young girl, she has a fire in her eyes which reminds me of a certain turkey girl I once knew. I shake her hand and she smiles at me. She has treated me very nicely during my time here and I am happy to see that the war hasn't claimed too much of her.

After a short conversation where she asks for my injuries, I give her the information I came to deliver. She has a brother in the Alliance she hasn't heard from for a while and when I left the hospital, I told her I'd keep my eyes open.

"Thank you so much!" She squeaks excitedly. That is why I am doing this. To see the joy on the face of the people I can help. She asks me how she could reward me for my effort and I ask her for medical supplies she can spare. But in truth, her smile was reward enough.

When she has checked her omni-tool and forwarded a few medi-gel schematics to mine, she smiles at me again. Her eyes are so full of life and I smile back, happy that I can make someone happy. Then she tells me that I am the best man she has ever met and leans in to give me a kiss on my cheek.

I was so surprised I can't even pull back. Instantly I feel my face burn and a second later I feel a very firm grip around my waist.

"Commander Shepard!" she gasps. "It's an honour to meet you!"

"Commander," I say. His hand around my waist is confusing and the expression on his face was unreadable. "This is Doctor Sara Maving. She took care of me while I was here."

"It's nice to meet you, Doctor." He says with an angry undertone. "I hope Kaidan isn't causing trouble."

"You're too kind!" She giggles to Shepard. "The Major has always brightened my day."

"Thank you, Doctor. My _boyfriend_ has that effect on people." Shepard replies. "He is a great man."

Then he pulls me around and presses his lips to mine. I am startled that he does it. Haven't I told him that I don't like to do this in public? What is he trying to achieve?

"Commander!" I push him away, hard enough to let him know that I'm serious but not hard enough to make him tumble. For an instant I see something like guilt in his eyes but then, he turns towards a gasping Sara and smiles his charming smile.

"Nice meeting you, Doctor," He says. "But if you excuse us, we have some business waiting for us. You know, Spectre Stuff."

"See you, Sara," I say hastily before he drags me to the elevator. When the door hisses shut behind us, he lowers his head and gazes up to me with an apologetic gaze.

"Sorry," he mutters. "But she kissed you!"

"You're jealous!"

"Wow! That's perceptive!" He snorts.

"John," I let out a short laughter. "I… uhm… I'm flattered. But you can't just go around and scare people."

"She's got a crush on you!" He even pouts a little.

"No, she's not!" I laugh again. "She's married."

"Doesn't change the fact that you're hard to resist."

"John," I take his face in my hands and look him deep into his eyes. Behind the red of his eyes, I can see some blue. "It doesn't matter, I am here with you! Besides, you wouldn't be intimidated by a doctor, right?"

"Sure won't," he nods and takes my hand and kisses my fingers. "But I still don't like seeing other woman kiss you."

"Noted, Commander," I give him a reassuring smile and take his hand in mine. To be honest, now, I don't care who sees me. I am not ashamed that I love him. "Care to join me for a walk, Commander? I have a few beautiful places I want to show you."

"I'll follow you anywhere," he promises. "Always."

In that night, wrapped in smoke and alcohol and after a long dance at Purgatory, I joined him again.


	3. Day three: Appreciation

**Three days of shore leave**

**Day three: Appreciation**

I wake up with his lips on my face again.

I can feel his fingertips on my stomach and his eyes on my chest. He moves so gently I can almost forget that he was a Hell of a soldier. I can forget that he is the most dashing vanguard I've ever seen or that he is the man who has already saved the galaxy.

I open my eyes and see only John Shepard.

"Hey," I whisper before his lips cut off my words. He brushes them on mine and presses his face against my cheeks. He doesn't do much but cuddles into my arms like a puppy dog. He is so cute, I think. How can _he_ be the butcher of Torfan? "Good morning."

"You are so beautiful, Kaidan," he breaths against my neck. I touch his buzz and run my fingers along his scar. I can see the faint glim under his skin and I wonder what I will find there.

"Do they bother you?" he asks gently.

"Yeah," I tell him honestly. "They were pretty creepy last night."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay," I pull his head towards me and kiss the scar above his brow. He smiles though I can't see it. It is the tiny twitch in his forehead that tells me that he likes my kissing. "They aren't so bad right now. Chakwas told me that they'll heal in time."

He doesn't answer but only kisses me again. I kiss him back and from then on all I know is how good his lips taste. He rolls on top of me and it reminds me of what he did last night. Though we were both drunk, I can still remember the erotic surges through my body.

I know how he's kissed me last night or how he's touched me. How he's swallowed and asked me if I was sure. I have kissed his fingers and kissed his mouth. I have kissed his chest and his arms. I have kissed every inch of his body and he has given me his heart.

Though it isn't the heart I loved before, it is still in his chest and it is still mine. I can't say that I know this man, but can I say that I knew the old commander?

"I love you, John." I whisper, carried away by the charm of his morning.

I might not know him as I'd like to, but I know that I love him. Sometimes I wonder how this can exist at all. How can it be that I love him so much though I don't really know what's going on in the strong heart of his. How can I have so many feelings for a man I barely see? Since when have I abandoned wits to collide with passion? When did I walk into this trap?

"What are you thinking right now?" He breathes against my chest.

I smile gently at this question. How funny that he always asks this. "I think that you still can't dance."

"Come on!" he protests. "That wasn't so bad! They applauded, did they?"

"You know, I applaud a small child's drawing which doesn't mean that it is good." I reply and think that it might have been too harsh.

"You're heartless to me," he says and …pouts. "I really did my best not to embarrass you."

"How thoughtful." I say and smile. So he finally learned to think about someone else than himself or the mission. Expect for the fate of the galaxy, of course.

"I care about you, Kaidan." He sounds serious. "And how other people see you."

"What about yourself?"

"I'm Commander Shepard," he says and it sounds so damn familiar. "And I don't have time for that shit."

His words make me shake my head. Of course it doesn't escape his notice and I feel him shift on my chest.

"What's wrong?" he asks, chin resting on one hand.

"Since when did you become so …hard?" At his dirty smirk I realize what I said. I can feel my face blush and my heart beat faster. After three years and so many life-changing deeds, I still trip over my tongue. "Oh please ignore what I said."

"Not since you mentioned it." He smirks and rolls on top of me again. "Should I show you how hard I can be?"

"Much appreciated, Commander."

"Always glad to serve, Major."

And he serves me well. I still can't understand how this can be so easy and so difficult at the same time. His touch hasn't changed and the way he loves me was as warm as it used to be. I know his moves and he know mine.

Though he's tough on the battlefield and ferocious in his being, he is gentle and adorable between the sheets. When I kneel in his lap with his manhood inside me, his loins feel like the cradle of a warm summer sea. His hands are the light tower which shows me direction and his eyes the air I need to survive.

And I live.

I still remember the days after his death when I was nothing but the shell of a human being. Though grief is what I call it now, I am not sure if I felt anything. I was so numb I didn't even cry a single tear. I think I was in denial. I can't believe that he is dead and now I can't believe that he was dead.

How can the world be so cruel and so generous? Why would fate take him away from me and give him back? Why don't just let him be as he was? Why bother?

But now, I am alive. I can see again; the children, the women the soldiers and the misery. I can see them all as if I was blind and only regained my sight recently. And all the sudden, the world is colourful and intensive. And I can feel again; the pain, the anguish, the joy and the happiness. I can feel everything and my chest is exploding from all the sensation I take in.

I still don't know if it was Mars or Earth or him. Maybe all of them, or maybe I just need him to be complete.

"Hey," he whispers at my ear, wiping some sweat from my forehead when we both have come. "You okay?"

"You make me feel human," I say softly because I have no other discretion of the moment. "Again."

"You're sure it's not the boner?"

"You took care of that." My voice was slightly hoarse from my screaming and I can't say I'm not embarrassed. It's been a long time since I enjoyed myself so much and it's been three years since I was so satisfied.

I turn in his bed and roll on my stomach. Even his pillow is harder than it looks, just like everything else in this cabin, including the man. With my arm crossed under it, I look at him again. He smiles at me and I wonder what he's thinking right now.

"Yeah," he smirks and slaps my butt. "Sure did! Hey, what's that?"

When I feel his fingers on my butt, I stop breathing. Without much thinking I turn around and press my hand of the spot he touched before. I can't feel anything different but I know that it will change a lot if he sees it.

"Kaidan," he yells. "You've got a tattoo!"

"It's nothing!" I say hastily.

"Come on! Let me see it!"

"It's nothing, Shepard!"

"Stop moving! You've got a tattoo on your butt!"

Then his hand catches mine and I can feel the strength in those fingers. I could have prevented him from seeing it if I really try, but I know every well that he won't stop until he lays his eyes on it. So I slowly put my hand away.

He gasps.

"It's my initial…." His voice is low.

"Yeah," I breaths, face flushing.

"In a heart." A edge of disbelieve was in it now.

"Yeah," I breaths again, now hiding my face.

"On your butt!"

"I know!"

"Kaidan!"

"John!"

"I'm…" his eyes darts to mine and then my tattoo and then back again. Then he laughs. "I'm speechless! I'm flattered! It's so cute!"

"It's not!" I say angrily.

"How?" His eyes were sparkling with a light I haven't seen for almost three years. I remember that light in his eyes. I saw it the first time when he saw the Normandy and the second time when he saw me.

"Don't ask." I grunt frustrated. "I'm getting it erased anyway!"

"_No!_" He shouts. "Don't! It's so cute!"

"_It_ is on my butt!" I think beside the tattoo artist and me, no one has ever seen it. Or whoever was with me the night I got it done while my brain was not working because of the alcohol in my blood. Being of rank has its benefits, like taking a shower whenever I wish to. And I wish to mostly when no one is in there.

"Come on, Kaidan. Keep it! It's so cute!"

"My decision is final."

"Oh, come one, Sweet_heart_!" He sounds incredibly cute. "Don't remove it! I'll get a matching one if that makes you feel better!"

"Please!" I let out a desperate moan. "I really don't want to see my name on your butt, on any butt!"

He crawls back to me with a smile on his face I don't like too much. I know he's up to something and the smirk that comes back to him tells me that I'm not mistaken.

"But, how about here?" He asks and his hand covers the spot protecting his heart. "You like to see your name here?"

"You're so damn cute!" I say, chuckling and pull him back to me. He makes a protesting sound and gins at me as if I'm a cake and he a small child. I know the only way to shut him up is to kiss him, so I grab his chin and seal my lips to his.

When I close my eyes, I can feel his heart throb. It would be nice to have my name on his chest, though it's rather a childish manner. But also military. I can't complain; I even have my name on my armour so why not on my boyfriend?

The small kiss turns into a long snuggle. The long snuggle turns into a heavy petting and the heavy petting turns into mind-blowing good sex.

I have the impression that he prefers me on my stomach this time and I'm sure he's staring at the heart-tattoo on my butt the whole time. Maybe I'll keep it after all.

There goes out morning. It seemed so out of order for me to have sex twice in one morning while the world is burning. But yet, lying in his arms, I don't remember the war. I only know, that I don't want to let go.

"You okay?" he asks when I came out of the shower with nothing but a towel around my hips. "You look concerned."

"No," I'm frowning slightly and I know that he doesn't believe my lie. "All right, I was thinking…."

"Oh, oh."

"How are we going to do this?" I ask, not sure about what. The war? Or us?

"We'll beat the Reapers," he says casually.

Sitting on the couch, naked and preparing a meal- which contains coffee and ration bars- he looks so innocent, vulnerable and …small. Sometimes I can't believe the things he's achieved though I've been there. What can he do? He's only one man! The Normandy is only one ship! What can we do?

My fear must be written on my face for he smiles at me reassuringly. He offers me the place next to him and touches my hand when I sit down.

"Don't worry," he says. "There are only two ways to end this."

"Either we win," I say, knowing what he was going to say. "Or we die."

"But when we die, we'll take as many of them with us as possible." In his grunts I can hear his convictions.

Looking deep into his eyes, I say with low voice, but as convicted as he is. "To what Hell you'll lead me, I'll follow you."

"There is no one on this ship I trust more than you," he takes my hand and kisses it. "Okay, maybe Garrus."

I let out a sigh. "And as we're talking about Garrus, is he mad of me for some reason?"

"Uhm…" he stammers. "Well, I…ahm …kind of talked poorly of you." When he sees my raised brow, he continues. "You know when you shut me down on Horizon, I was pretty mad."

"I'm sorry."

"But he might be angry because you… ahm …break up with me again."

"I'm sorry." I repeat.

"I still don't get, why."

"John," I let out a sigh again. This time I don't hesitate to put my head on his shoulder. "I was so afraid that I might lose you again. You don't know how I was without you."

"Not so bad apparently," he comments. He always has to comment everything! "You made major."

"That's because I've nothing else than my work." I close my eyes because I don't want to remember how I was. "I never stopped loving you, John. But it hurt so much seeing you like this! I don't know… I just couldn't believe that you're here! And besides, I've learned that I'm better if I only focus on the work. I thought that while the Reapers are here, I have to be at my best."

"You're professionalism is so annoying!" He gasps.

"And I've heard rumours about you and some other crew member of yours. I didn't want to…."

"No there weren't!" he shouts and cuts me off.

"I believe you," I tell him, his hand in mine. "I'm not afraid anymore. There's no way I wouldn't lose you. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in a week, maybe in a year or maybe in ten. But one day, I know I'll lose you. But it doesn't matter because I know: Today, you love me."

He doesn't answer. Maybe he can't or maybe he doesn't want to. But he kisses me and kisses me and kisses me again. Today, I'm receiving more kisses than in the past three years and I still want more. Though my lips are already red and my chin irritated from his stubble, I can't part mine from him.

I meant what I said this time. I don't want an eternity with him, only a perfect hour or a perfect day. I'm not afraid that I'll lose him one day. I know I'll cry and I'll grieve. But at least I won't regret not being with him. Not have loved him. Or not have protected him.

Out kiss turns into making out and ended with his lips around my arousal. He swallows my load and comes back to sit in my lap. I can taste coffee and me on his lips and I can smell him and only him.

"God!" I let out a long sigh and let my head bump into the back of the couch. I'd like to tell him all the compliments my mind is forming up, but I don't really know where to start. It's not that he hasn't always been a great love, but now there is something between us I can't quite describe.

It's just an increased intimacy. And something more.

"Name is still Shepard," he says and kisses me again. "But I'm flattered, Kaidan."

"Shut up!" I push him away playfully. If he keeps this up, I won't be getting my cloth on any soon. Let alone getting out of his cabin.

"And kiss you? Aye-aye, Sir!"

And there he goes. No matter how many books or vids or rumours about Commander Shepard there are, only few can say what I can. The most people only see a dashing soldier who's larger than life, but I know the man behind that mask.

This is how Commander Shepard really is.

He is a lover. With an eternal fire inside his chest, Commander Shepard does not ask, he tacks it. Even if you don't give what he seeks; in time, even the strongest of us will melt within that inferno.

You might find it difficult to love such a man with so many flaws, but when you've experienced his feelings for you, you are addicted. When he let you inside his heart, he will close the door for everyone else. He does not cheat, and he does not lie. He does not falter and he does not forgive. He is simply what he is. A stone in the shore, a tower of strength.

When I first found myself in this place, I was scared. I didn't know where he'd bring me and I didn't know what the future would bring. But now, I am certain. For this kind of love, this kind of bound, I'd cross any space and time.

His love is not unconditional. The prize you have to pay might be too high for some of us. But I will pay it gladly. For this man, a man I consider a friend, a comrade, a brother in arms, I will pay any prize. And compared to that, he does not want much. All he wants is my trust, my faith and above all, he wants to be loved.

"And I _love_ you!"

* * *

**Thank you for reading. And now you can continue with Chapter 9 of "Why I am alive." Or leave a comment. :-) **

**It was actually intended to be a little more aggressive and with a lot of detailed sex, but it turned out quiet fluffy. Anywhy, I'm okay with it since the feelings and Kaidan's thoughts are what I really wanted to show here.  
**

**I can't stop writing things about these two...**

**And before I forget. That tattoo thing is my form to show my dedication to "Portrait" from Sustantivo. He/She doesn't know I exist but that doesn't stop me to enjoy his/her story.**

**HeavenOnFire. :-)  
**


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